November 9, 2010
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Taking a Stand
A friend of mine recently got beheaded by his girlfriend and it all happened rather abruptly. Maybe he was clueless as to what he did wrong, as us guys are always the last to know, but in this case it was more a case of parent intervention. A parent that wanted her daughter to shoot for that ever higher.
After the initial thrill of the chase, after 80% of the secrets have been revealed, when you reach that point of thinking of saying you love them and pondering eternity together, it’s time to get serious. Bret and Jermaine know it best… “It’s business time…” Serious means you must be kid tested, parentally approved.
Parents always want the best for their children, but frick man! They can be such a meddling bunch. Asian parents might seem publicly passive, but they are not going be chill. They are going to ask for it all in your sig other and look at it closer than that extra $2 bowl of rice charge on a restaurant bill at checkout. It’s always the same things… race, religion, education, job, annual income, and what kind of family does he/she come from. We are Asian, so we don’t talk about drug use, or amount of babies the person already has, it’s automatically assumed that those stats are zero.
If I marry a hot, sweet, uneducated girl, of course my parents are going to think she’s stupid and is a gold digger. If I marry a white girl, an ignant is going to say, “That means you’ll be divorced within seven years.” But what if I want to marry a cute Christian children’s pediatrics physician that has a three year-old daughter? Hmmm… Worth fighting for? I’m going to have to state my case.
My friend who got the shaft is a great guy. Him and his ex-girl had been dating for quite a few months and had never fought, and then a week ago her father began planting seeds in her head.
“What kind of job does he have?”
“Project based jobs aren’t secure.”
“Think about your disabled sister. Who’s going to care for her when your mother and I die?”
“Your sister is moving into a big house this year” (Note: Sister is Christian, husband is not)
This is all normal sh*t if you have Asian parents that own property or if they don’t own property, they own jewelry, because damn, you gotta own something and it’s all about securing some physical goods for your future in case you get divorced or have kids. But this is not the kind of stuff I’d expect to hear from someone’s parents who were missionaries, God’s ambassadors that fully trusted in him for guidance and livelihood.
The girl is Christian, the guy is Christian. Both love the Lord and each other. Both are stable, friendly people. They might or might not become rich later, but they’d live at least a middle class life. Months of road trips, sitting together on the couch watching TV, walks in Disneyland, nice dinners, all over in one week because the girl’s father told her that she needs to find someone with more earning potential. Which brings us back to… marry a doctor, lawyer, or engineer.
At some point in the relationship, your girl (or boy) has to take a stand for you. It’s not a fight that you can fight, it’s something they must do on their own. They must cry, scream, or yell with their parents and tell them that you’re the one they love. Parents are going to push and might try to push their point across for months, but when it comes decision time, I want to know that my girl talked back to them and told them that I was the one she wanted to be with. If you’re with a good person and you truly love them, your parents need to know that. It’s your life. It’s your life adventurer, your life partner.
My friend was crushed. They seemed like a great match. I totally understand the earnings/education issue (he has his degree), but I thought it was hypocritical and bush league for a parent of the cloth to pull that card. I’m more disappointed in the father than anything else. To me it shows that even though he’s a missionary, he doesn’t really trust God. The girl’s last boyfriend didn’t come close to treating her as well as my friend did.
Parents intervene all the time. My old roommate was dating this other girl that I also know very well but after a year, her father asked her to break up because he was Korean and she was Chinese. He didn’t want her marrying a Korean. Now she’s over 35, single, hasn’t dated in the past ten years while he is happily married to someone else with two kids.
It’s always like this… race, religion, education, job, annual income, and what kind of family does he/she come from. Love? Doesn’t count. Asian parents never ask if you love the other person, that’s secondary.
If it’s me, there’s one thing I know for sure… If she won’t to take a stand for me, then I’m out. She’s got to figure out and tell me and tell the world that she wants me and needs me. If not, I’ll find someone who will, and if you’re in the same situation, I’d hope that you would too.
- Have any of your exes not stood up for you in front of his or her parents? What happened after that?
- Ever had to tell your parents to open their eyes to the one you loved? How did that go?
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Comments (31)
Aww that sucks for your friend. Parents have never been a problem for me because I’ve always been way too independent. While I would of course take my parent’s opinions into consideration, I also know that I have a mind of my own and can make decisions for myself. I don’t think I would ever date anyone that “bad” where my parents would disapprove of and I think over time, my parents have learned to trust my own decision making skills…either that or they figured they can never change my mind anyways and gave up, lolz. I know things like race, religions, etc. are concerns for them but in the end I think they know that as long as he treats me well and makes me happy, that is the more important thing. As for my bf’s parents…I think I’ve also dated guys who were independent as well so again there were no issues…at least none that I knew about.
it’s sadder to know that these girls let their parents make that kind of decision for their own life.
As much as it sucks for your friend… it sucks just as much when you’re in that situation yourself.
Yes, my last ex wouldn’t stand up for me until it was too late and I had gone beyond putting up with it. It just put a lot of poison into the relationship that could have made it.
No, because my parents trust my judgement. (Even when they didn’t care much for the person, they at least treated them with respect)
@randomnotions - I’m very independent minded too, but my friend isn’t so much. It’s already hard enough finding someone you click with… why introduce other factors to try to exclude them. As long as they aren’t a deadbeat and loves you and treats you like a king/queen, that’s what matters most.
@fangstar - It is sad. What’s sadder is if these people end up living their whole lives this way… under the strict influence of their parents. Like the girl who has to deal with the nagging mother-in-law… be careful of what family you marry into. If the guy doesn’t stand his ground against mom’s nagging, his wifey is going to be hating life.
@xstrykr - Does it really suck more when you choose not to think for yourself and follow your parents out of respect? I guess it does, because you don’t even have any control over your own life and are letting your parents live their life regrets through you.
@VidaLoca - You made the right decision. Sure, it may take a few weeks or months for our sig others to struggle and think over the consequences of speaking against their parents thoughts, but in the end they have to if they truly love the person, otherwise the relationship is just not going to work, right?
That wasn’t exactly what I meant by it… but I’m in a position similar enough where my parents don’t approve at all of the relationship I’m in. Just the fact that they don’t approve is enough of a seed to plant; I don’t want to hear it because I want to live my life how I want to live it.
Basically, the line I gave my parents was this: “Let me live my love life how I want to – When and if I’m ready for marriage, then I’ll talk to you about it.”
LOL. i love this. actually read the whole thing without eyes glazing over (it’s a rarity these days).
and you look korean but sound chinese. i guess asian cultures are asian cultures eh? lucky for my crazy ways, my parents would never pull those cards (anymore). i think my mom initially would care a bit if the guy had no future, ambition and a dead beat. but these days i really think they fear i may never marry at all! set standards low, then you’ll always exceed expectations. that’s my motto when it comes to old school parents…
For some reason, I didn’t imagine guys being in this predicament as well. My ex (a Korean-American) stood up to his mother for me. He never let anyone disrespect me. It’s a nice feeling to know that the person you are with will defend you…even to their parent(s). Honestly, I can’t say that I’ve ever had a boyfriend who didn’t stand up for me.
I like to think that everything happens for a reason; so that better things can happen in the future. Perhaps it’s best to have her father/her breakup now than much later if they were engaged/married; it would be a lot more tragic! It’s sad that even him being a missionary may not help, but I’m sure he’s only doing it in the best interest of his daughter. Perhaps not all his decisions are based on his faith??
after dating outside of my race for almost fifteen years, i finally see the importance of same race & religion. after getting to know my future sister in law, who isn’t easy to get along with, i also realize the importance of someone’s family background. love doesn’t mean SHIT when you can’t afford to go out to have a nice meal once in a while, so i understand the importance of a good, steady, and stable income. education isn’t necessarily needed to make said income, but a lot of prestigious, reputable companies require higher education.
that said, my boyfriend is younger than i am, his mother died 10 years ago, his sister’s “clinically depressed”, he’s christian by birth but doesn’t show any signs of spirituality, didn’t graduate HS, didn’t go to college obviously, and doesn’t make shit right now. but what keeps me going is my trust in him. i trust that he’ll take care of me physically, financially, and emotionally. and already, he’s gone back to school to get his HS diploma, is currently at a CC looking to xfer to study engineering, and is looking for a church to attend with me. my parents adore him now, but that’s only b/c he’s proved himself.
i honestly don’t blame parents for intervening. sure, what’s best for us in their eyes aren’t necessarily best for us in OUR eyes, but i don’t think we give them enough credit. my bf’s sister is married to a non-korean guy who had a kid at 18 and was married once. his dad said hellllll no to him for a very long time, but can you really blame him? i wouldn’t rush to send my daughter off to a guy like that. BUT of course, his brother in law a GREAT guy and we all love him, but even his sister said that she would first fight with her daughter if she brought home a guy like that until he proves he’s worthy.
like you said, it’s about standing up for your s.o. i didn’t stand up for my ex’s coz they weren’t worth it for me to fight for them, to fight for us. i did stand up for my current s.o. and im glad i did coz we’re getting hitched in june
@girl_smileyy -
does he? i don’t think he looks korean.
what’s your ethnicity djcaptiweoaeis?
@MJeeeeeeeezy -
lol. ionno. i grew up in vancouver, where the asian demographic of non-fob koreans (and japanese) is literally less than 1%. what the heck do i know!
it’s like white ppl saying all asians look the same. sorry!
@MJeeeeeeeezy -
oh, and yay! is it definite? cuz then i should give u my address for you to send the invite.
and me and d made up. i’ll be coming to socal in april =)
@girl_smileyy -
i figured. u promised to be more confrontational ey? xp
it’s important to take a stand for your s.o.
but i’ve also found that parents or friends can give you a perspective on your relationship that you otherwise wouldn’t have seen. in the long run, it’s good to have outlets that can save you from yourself, but it’s even better if you can use them in conjunction with a disciplined and firm decision making ability.
Yeah. I stood up for him to my parents and got disowned for it. He took me to Iran for a visit that turned into a trap, lied through his teeth to get me there, and then wouldn’t stand up to his parents for me when they objected to his marriage to an American. Within the year I was stuck there, he became extremely abusive and then after I was attacked by a street gang of Arghan refugees when mistakenly trying to flee to him from his parent’s abuse, he divorced me and promised to follow me with our son, lying again, saying he was only divorcing me to appease my parents but would meet up with me again in the U.S. Of course he never did. But my parents took me back. All said and done, I think it will be a cold day in hell before I ever stand up again for a man my parents don’t approve of. Turns out they were absolutely right in their assesment of what kind of husband the Iranian would make. I should have listened. They knew a bastard when they saw it.
@girl_smileyy - But I have a SoCal accent!
@JennY71887 - A parents decision doesn’t always have to be based on faith, but in most cases, parents who are pastors, missionaries, or lay people, aren’t as concerned with superficial things. Usually most important is faith, then honesty and stability without too much controversy. That’s why this bugs me, because my friend has all of that, he just doesn’t have a six figure income. Sometimes you just can’t tell what a person’s motives are, no matter how “religious” they might be.
@MJeeeeeeeezy - With red flags, parents have a right to be concerned. In your case, one person had to take the stand, and the other had to prove himself or herself worthy. Sounds like your parents were apprehensive, but at least they gave him a chance to show he’s changed. Did they give you hell throughout that inbetween time period?
i am chinois!
@ThePrince - You’re right, balance between parents eyes and our eyes is important. We can easily be blinded to the major faults then all of a sudden it’s too late, we’re married. But I blame stubborness and ignorance for that more, because during that time, our friends and family told us, we just didn’t want to listen.
@A_M0DERN_BEAUTY - Hey! Of course guys get grilled too… You are your daddy’s princess and there has to be guarantees that we can support you and maybe your parents too (you know how some parents like to gamble and don’t have any retirement accounts). Who do you think is harder to defend for, the boyfriend or the girlfriend?
no they never gave me a tough time about it, coz they say that im the one that’s gonna have to live with the guy, so they gave me the liberty to choose whomever. they did tell me to choose wisely, tho, coz they refuse to assume responsibility for potential marriage failure lol.
Well, my parents are different. At least I think they are. They let me know that they support my decision, and I can marry whomever I love even if it is outside of my race. We shall see…
@djcaptainzowie -
that’s a very good point!
@xstrykr - Nice! I’m in no way encouraging to be insubordinate to your parents, but like I told my brother, “I like to hear about who you’re dating, but I’m not going to worry too much… just tell me when and if she’s the one you’re going to marry.” There’s no use for parents to get overly worked up over who their kids are dating until it turns serious. It just creates un-needed family stress. Well, they have to speak up earlier if they see issues like drug use, spending problems, etc.
@Ampbreia - Holy crap, that is a crazy experience! I’m glad you survived it. It’s such a fine line… parents being protective vs. being overprotective. Did you not listen to your parents because they weren’t seeing the good things or was it because you didn’t want to listen? What was it that tipped them off in the first place?
@girl_smileyy - Thanks for reading it all the way through. I’ll take it as a compliment! Did they really front page you over the hair question? Back when I did make front page a few times (and when I used to post more), part of me was wishing it was one of my more substantive entries vs. something lessing meaningful… but it’s not like I can pick what gets exposed.
@MJeeeeeeeezy - I like your parents, when do I get to meet them? =) I think I’ll use that “it’s your life, don’t mess it up for yourself” tactic too if I ever have kids.
@A_M0DERN_BEAUTY - How racy are you going to go??? Bad play on words. Ha ha ha. Race is tough for a lot of us to see through, but most important to me is a person’s heart. Why is it that Asian parents are okay with us marrying Asian or white, but are more skeptical about the others?
nah you wrote it quite well. good combo of wit and substance, rare find. or if there IS depth, it’s usually quite boring and my ADD kicks in about two sentences (i’m horrible).
it’s almost insulting how some posts i pore hours and hours into, and it barely even gets read. while my hair post (curly vs. straight) gets 900+ views and front page. WTF people? i post quite often, so i should be used to it by now. these days, when i write something super serious, i don’t even bother enabling comments. cuz why bother?
re: you “sounding” chinese-american, i meant that as in culture wise. i’m sure you sound very very socal (whatever that means). just like how apparently, i sound very very ‘canadian’. *roll eyes.
First of all, he was an Iranian student at a time shortly following the release of American held hostage n Teheran and Iranians were still actively burning our flag and waving “death to America” signs in our faces so he had the taint of that on him. Secondly, my mom’s got intuition like nobody’s business. I didn’t want to listen though. I thought I was in love and that Reza had to be innocent of the things his countrymen were doing. I thought they were just being prejudiced because of his race and the way Iranians students were being publically seen to behave all over the place. They were right though. He wasn’t even innocent of that. Turned out he was among the most rabid of the kind. I’d just refused to see it until it was too late.
That is true. That is why I stated the final sentence, “We shall see…” because even though they say one thing I wonder just how true their words really are. Nonetheless, it’s my decision, at the end of the day, so they’ll accept it either way…hmm…if not, then I’ll just remind them of what they told me. Ha.
@girl_smileyy - thanks for all the compliments! you’re too kind. i like writing this kind of stuff, usually like to keep it shorter, but haven’t been as inspired the past year. but before, every year, there were three or four posts were in my own head, i really hit the mark, ones that i really liked, so i totally feel you on that. and then there are other ones that people don’t really get, but hey, it’s writing… gotta try different things right? a lot more people used to read and write, but all the good oldies left xanga. i think i need to be more active and find more blogs to sub to but now that i can’t read them at work (they cut off our access last year), sorta sucks. i have to use the phone.
the super serious stuff… i tend to make those protected and enable comments. but sometimes you just want to vent and don’t want criticism, so i totally get that.
yeah, totally, ummm… like, i could sound very socal. what’s your nationality… outside of being canadian? canada is dope. i used to live there in first grade… Calgary baby! total Chinese cowboy.
chinese canton. OMG calgary is totally overrun with chinese cowboys….so weird! vancouverites have an aversion to alberta though. well, and the rest of the provinces lol. it sucks that i’m not as fond of my country as i would like to be!
@Ampbreia - Ahhh our youth. No matter how rational we are, when it comes to our own loves, we get very lost and blind. Still trying to figure out why we were made that way. So if you could go back in time, would you have listened to mom? You had maybe not the best experience, but it was an experience of a lifetime that most of us will never come close to encountering.
On a separate note, I have a single Iranian co-worker who’s about 40, never married, not ugly, wears modern clothes. She’s not militant, just one crazy mess when drunk who’s life runs hot and cold depending on if she’s found an Iranian guy or not to date.
@girl_smileyy - We used to go take care of my neighbor’s horse. She was my best friend and they had a horse that was in a stable outside of town. Calgary was fun times, but I was only there a year, then we came back to Cali. Of the Canadian HK cities, I’ve only been to Toronto. I need to go to Vancouver one day, I hear it’s beautiful. I still owe you a return message don’t I! I totally forgot… okay, when I get back from Seattle. =)
whaaa? you’re in seattle? you should totally go up to vancouver. it’s like a 2 hr drive. shame!
@djcaptainzowie - I’d have listened to my mother. So… what does your coworker say about marriage? Does she ever mention why she didn’t marry? Does she ever date non-Iranians?
This strikes a nerve on so many levels… The hypocrisy of the church and it’s followers… The judgment of those deemed unworthy due to income. I’m getting my doctorate in P.T. but I will definitely not be getting an annual income of 6 figures in my lifetime, so I guess that makes me unworthy. As educated as some Asian parents can be (doctors, engineers, etc.) they can sure be narrow-minded and ignorant. I like who I am and I’m a good person, but things like this set doubt in me and my decisions. Should I have done what would have been easier and increase my potential to get married and have kids by now? I think we’re all God’s playthings and He likes to mess with us; some more than others…