August 26, 2009
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How Many People Have You Been With?
My guy friends ask me. My long time female friends ask me. People I date ask me. I want to know. You want to know. We all want to know.
In fact it is no one's business. Because we are so damn curious, most of us dare not ask it in person, but we ask it in our heads. But why? Is this so that we can compare ourselves to others and know that we are normal? I've only been with two long term, and she's only been with two long term, so we are equal. Or I've had five flings and she's had ten, that makes her more dangerous? More slutty? Or 10-5 my way. I'm a man whore. The combinations are endless.
There's no good answer. Every answer is lose lose. Been with nobody? Too few, I don't want to deal with all the emotional hang ups of breaking you in. You might be a cold fish. Been with 5, 10, 15, 20+? That's too many. And who are all these women? Did you like them? Did you love them? Do you still talk to them? Did you say the same things to her that you're telling me? What makes me special? Are you clean? When was your last test? Are you going to leave me for one of them if I'm not that good?
Even an ideal answer, like, "The only people I've been with are the two people that I've been in serious long term relationships with." Congratulations, you can commit and you're monogamous. But still she'll wonder, were your exes better? In what way? Or if she's wonderful, you have to ask... where did she learn that trick?
This is not an argument for or against virginity. I'm Christian and I believe that these questions won't get asked if you're both virgins, which is a good thing. But that opens you up to a whole new bag of questions. The ones you ask after you have sex for the first time. Hopefully all you'd have to say is, "Why is it so good and why have I been holding out?" But more likely, "Is this it? She's a cold fish and am I really stuck with this boring girl for life?" Those kinds of questions.
I haven't polled my boys, but I'd guess girls are more likely to ask this question. Even if she's been with 50 guys, she still wants to know how many you've been with. Really? Why does it matter? If you love me, you love me, right? If you don't love me and we both just want to get it on, it doesn't mean anything anyways, right?
She's hot and she's been with 10 men. She's ugly and she's been with 10 men. She's hot and she's been with only 1 man (ideal answer). She's ugly and she's been with zero men. Any answer will have me second guessing in different ways. If you ask someone the question, you better be prepared to answer it yourself.
You're on a date (whether with your new steady or just someone hot as hell). Things get touchy feely. Then he/she bites you on the lip and says, "Before we go any further, how many people have you been with? When's the last time you did, you know...."
- Do you answer the question or do you change the topic?
- If you've dodged the question before, what did you say?
- If the person refuses to answer the question, do you hold that against them? Even if you know they are committed to you and only you?
- What's an ideal number? Is there even an ideal number or reasonable number?
- Would you prefer your sig other to be virgin, semi-experienced (1-3 serious relationships), or very experienced (where you don't want to know the numbers, all you know is that he/she makes you feel great)?
Comments (6)
I see what you mean. It stinks that it matters so much, but it apparently does. I know that it is just a detail in getting to know someone. For a long time, I wasn't sure if I could marry a man who had premarital sex. I worry about dieseases, purity, the idea that he saved the intimate connection to his wife, etc. Generally, it is just a detail that adds to the mess and baggage one has, right? I have loads of baggage in different areas of my life. I would hope to have a husband who could relate deeply with my issues as I deal & heal over them. I find that new Believers who claim a new virginity in Christ experience a joy that is so dramatically wonderful. I wish I could feel that in a sense, but it doesn't mean much since I'm not broken and in need of healing in that area of my life.
I would hope that a person's character could be reflected in his/her actions (when no one is looking), as well as integrity in the matching of his/her behavior with his/her reputation. So I hope that people guard their hearts and act wisely, while acknowledging mistakes & finding humility. That is what encourages me. Partners is just a detail in the big story. How he tells his life story of how he came to be is the true heart of the matter to me... That God would be glorified in the end. He is a man I respect even when others don't.... Haha, this guy sounds hot already!
it is never a good idea to know and or not know...it is just one of those things.
@joliebaobei - most of the time, it's better off not knowing, unless there's a medical/health issue involved.
@angeliclark - it's not unreasonable for a christian girl to marry a virgin, but as a girl ages, she'll probably have to lower expectations because it's very very hard to find if she's marrying a guy who's a normal member of society (vs. those christians who are sheltered). after a certain point it's much harder for a guy to save himself than for a woman just because the act occupies men's mind more. i hate to say this, but some christian guys should just experience sex so that they no longer have that curiousity factor. it's much more harmful if a guy consumes himself with thoughts about what sex would be like for 30 or 40 years before getting married.
women are more self-concious about their bodies in the first place so i totally see why "saving the intimate connection" matters to them. it's more romantic, feels more God-willed and saves women from having to wonder if he still thinks about his exes and how she compares to her (if he's in love with you, he won't care or think about the other girls). but i also know christian girls who lord that over their men, guilt tripping them by saying, "i saved myself for you, so you better be good to me... etc." that's not right either. a man who's had some experience is seen as two ways, either he'll always be comparing me, or he's been through this before and he knows what he wants and he's found what he wants and that's me. it's up to the girl to decide how she wants to see that because what's been done is done.
I would answer the question but it's because I am inexperienced and before I go further I can use that to set the pace of things. I feel that usually the more inexperienced partner is able to set the pace? Or at least I have been able to hahaa.
If i were a guy, I would just tell the girl. If she can't stand the number then I wouldn't be interested in a girl like that. Heck, I might even say a big number like 50-60 xD just to get a reaction! Haha i'm terrible
@Casa_blanca_lilies - Haha, you should totally do that next time, say 50, get the look on their face, then tell them the real number, like two or three or five or whatever and then you'll see them totally relieved.
@djcaptainzowie - Probably the guys will just be intimidated by my experience. Can't handle how I can rock their sox.. or sock? o nvm ahhahaha
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