April 26, 2010
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The Other Side of the Coin
A girl I once dated had told me:
“It’s been four months and I don’t even feel that I know you. I know I can sometimes dominate the conversation a little, but I feel that I’m very open and share everything about my life and for you… I don’t know that much about you.”
When she finished, I was thinking of why she felt that way. I didn’t talk as much as her, but I always tried to give my honest thoughts, opinions or feelings.
“Is there something specific? You know you can always ask me. Did you ask?”
No, she never asked and there wasn’t anything specific. She concurred that I always gave my honest thoughts.
There’s the assumption in relationships that everything should progress toward open book status. I get that. Maybe I didn’t share as much as she expected, but it’s not because I didn’t have anything to share, it’s because I didn’t want to bore her. Who wants to hear about work? I don’t want to relive and retell my day in my cube updating spreadsheets with bolds, highlights, and +/- formulas. It’s accounting. I want to fall asleep just thinking about it. But her job, it was more interesting, each day was different, so I wanted to hear about that.
I love talking about my other hobby, concert tickets, but most people are gonna get bored hearing about how I had to take a 50% loss on my Courtney Love/Hole tickets and made a 200% gain on some Lady Gagas. Plus, talking about money too much is not good. People get jealous, whether you make $50 or $500. I can’t really talk about all the bands I see, because none of my friends cares about who We Were Promised Jetpacks were and no one cared about the La Roux show I attended last October until she got played on the radio this month.
The big problem is that I don’t have much drama in my life. Things happen, but there aren’t any crises in my life. I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs, I’m financially stable, I’m not depressed, I don’t have stalker ex-girlfriends, I don’t stalk ex-girlfriends, I’m not arrogant-cocky (maybe cocky for fun sometimes), I’m not insecure, I know my place with God, I’m on speaking terms with my mom, I don’t pay child support, I have a job. Opinions I don’t mind giving mine if I’ve read up on the subject. Feelings… I’ll tell you what I’m feeling if I think you can handle the truth. But that wasn’t the issue. I think it was that I should just want to naturally spill all that stuff. But what if I don’t have drama to spill? What if I don’t have major problems for her to fix?
I have lots of thoughts, constant thoughts, lots of dreams, but I don’t want to talk about them all the time because I don’t like being one of those talkers that don’t follow through, I would prefer to just have the results show themselves.
I know, I’m sounding like I don’t talk at all, but I write plenty in my blog right? Of course I never showed her the blog. But like she said, she tends to dominate the conversation, so I’d listen (which I enjoyed), and ask more questions so that I could understand her thoughts or frustrations and so that she could get that out of her system. Not many breaks where I could just riff about random thoughts. Sometimes guys get penalized for listening. It sucks! I never told her because I thought she’d just get upset. Plus, it was near the end of our time together.
If this happens again in a future relationship, I doubt I’d know how to handle it.
- Is it an actual problem, or just a perception problem, where one person thinks they’re being left out of the loop when there is no loop?
- You listen, which is what your friends or sig others want, but is there a graceful way of telling someone that in all their talking, they can’t expect to know all about you when they forget to ask because they were so focused on telling their story? Any solutions?
- Assuming that the most a man talks about his feelings and/or dreams is once a month and that the average male probably only thinks about it twice a year… What other factors do you use to determine that a man will be good at sharing his thoughts with you?
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Comments (13)
Concoct some form of instability in you somewhere. Maybe that will help. Heehee…
^_^
go live a little BE CRAZZZZZY, if only for the stories
You sound like me: just because your life isn’t dramatic, doesn’t mean you’re not interesting.
Sure, early on, you want to express some of the drama, but as the relationship progresses, you want to expose your ordinary self. If she finds you boring, then maybe it’s not going to work.
Open book is okay, but remember that being totally open book is a no-no. We all still need our private space!
@Vitamin_D -
I know, I need to show them my psycho stalker side.
@jillstarr -
But I have a milliion crazy stories. Maybe its all about the ones that I can’t talk about, huh?
@chrispycrunch -
I don’t think I’m boring at all, maybe it just doesn’t feel like your fully sharing unless there’s some drama. I open, but not a wide open book. You still need the keys to get to the juicy stuff.
I was at La Roux too..
The XX is in 2 months
Read this through.
oh one thing about women in general. Love drama. Always create some tension so there are cyclic moments (release/tension). Its one of those irrational things about womenkind.
@ktownfug - dunno if i’m diggin XX yet. sounds super minimal, but i know they are all the rage right now. you’re right, some women love drama, they even thrive off of it, because that’s what they are used to in their lives. i got stories, i got fun, i just ain’t one to create drama for the sake of it. it’s ron artest syndrome… people who are always used to drama around them… if it’s too quiet, they feel uncomfortable, like something’s wrong.
People cannot relate to perfection.
= )
1. Coming from a relationship where my ex would only talk when he was drunk, it’s hard when you feel left out. I think once a month is actually pretty good so her ex must have been a gabber. Go figure. Besides, there will always be a perception of something in a relationship. It just takes good communication to smooth it out.
2. Just as you stated it in this question is what I would say. Then again, I’m pretty blunt.
3. Again, from experience, I would be happy with once a month. I would prompt the person though. It really is a case by case thing. :-/
Hope that helps? Relationships are always a work in progress I think. It’s up to the person to put what they want into it. That is an additional mind/heart to deal with and it’s hard enough (for some) to deal with your own stuff/issues, despite how mundane they may be to others.
@Vitamin_D - neither can i! haha. i have more than a bucket full of faults.
@VidaLoca - so far i’ve been able to deal with my own stuff just fine, maybe because i don’t have or show that many issues, the girl feels like something isn’t right with us because she’s got all these problems (which aren’t really problems, it’s just normal life), and i don’t have that much junk goin’ on? haha
@djcaptainzowie -
hmmm… that is a possibility
I don’t think it’s always about the drama. I think that women really want to know what you think about your relationship w/ them. They want to know future plans. They want to make future plans w/ you. They want to hear about the exciting concerts & things that you do. They want to feel connected to you. You really should have shown her your blog & then she would have stuff to ask you about. It sounds like she didn’t know what to ask because she didn’t have a topic to start on. How was your day? Wasn’t getting her anywhere.
@deshue -
Haha, you know I can’t show them the blog. In this case lack of drama probably was part of it. Not everyone is like you and me. I could talk about sports or music but if she doesn’t care about either, it’s not going to matter how interesting my life is, it would seem boring to her. I guess people sometimes think that because I’m not telling them about drama, I’m holding out. Ummm no, in the case of drama with me, what you see is what you get. But if its music, art, sports, travel or food, then there’s a lot of stuff for her to uncover. =)