February 1, 2010
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The air is cold this time of year. I open emails and it hits me in the face like a crisp February wind to my barely exposed throat. So numbing that I can’t think.
“I should tell you that ********* and I are seperating. There’s so much I want to say to you and all of it I trust you’d understand. In time, it will all come pouring out of me and straight to you.”
Divorce is the coldest word of them all, well, right after betrayal. Six best friends that are girls. Splits with three of them. My heart aches and stings when they tell me. One divorcing, one who’s considered divorce for the past year, and another in a long term relationship that she’s about to end. Three in one month is too much for anyone to hear about. New month, new year, new decade, new start.
These best friends that are girls, I have a kindred bond with. Some of liked like that, some I haven’t. Kissed? None. We are friends, like brother and sister. I admit I’ve wondered what could’ve been, but I never think what can be. I hope I never do.
Divorce is one thing I fear so much. Because love can turn on a dime, even if that dime says, “In God We Trust.” Is that why I haven’t found someone to commit to? Is it because I fear commitment? No, mostly it’s because I haven’t found that right mix of girls, combined with me fearing that the other person won’t be as committed after I commit. I also don’t want to lead someone down the wrong path and have them think that I’m fully committed when 5% of me might not be. I think I’ve built up marriage to more than it is.
I truthfully do not know what to believe these days. Church or non-church, half the marrieds I see don’t look happy. Church or God or anything else is not going to guarantee bliss. Turning to God or your belief system might help, but even I get sick of the honks at church who give blanket statements about “time to get right with God.” It’s not an if then. If it is, then disprove this, “I’m right with God, but I’m wrong with marriage.” You can’t. Because it is possible to be right with God and wrong with marriage.
We been taught to marry someone that loves us and can provide for us (mentally, monetarily, spiritually, emotionally). What if that formula is wrong? Marrying to strengthen the families seemed to work better in the olden days. Are marriages supposed to be happy? Are marriages supposed to produce kids? Is love always supposed to be there? Is it allowed to fade and comeback? Maybe we have it right. Maybe we have it all wrong. What makes a marriage nowadays? I don’t know, I’m confused.
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Comments (7)
Compromise and commitment…. Society is changing… now days divorce is more of choice than rather…..but for healthy, strong marriage, it’s all about what I can do for the marriage and family not what I want, what others can do for me….but everyone’s different…..
yeah for me the confusion isn’t even at the marriage level, i’m confused as to what kind of person I’d even want to be with.
i just talked to my friend about this. one of our girlfriend is getting engaged after just dating someone for about 6 weeks and im guessing they went on a total of maybe 10 dates at most?? i hate to say it but we wonder if she fears divorce too.
@myladyfox - Do you think it’s because we find it easier to give up? Or because we commit to easily in the beginning? You’re right though, society now is more me centered, instant gratification wanting, so maybe it is just “easier” to bail.
@fangstar - Learning about myself (exploring, etc.) has helped me to figure out some of the basics of who I would be beneficial for and who might fit my needs. But then, it’s never all that we think it’s a going to be… have to leave room for that X-factor. I’m not a fan of jumping into relationships for the purpose of figuring out who I am, that may be a byproduct, but I hope it’s not my goal going in.
@In_Paradisum - Wow, 6 weeks? How old is she? I think older people can know earlier if they’ve found who they want to marry, but still, usually it still takes at least three months to find that out. Anything around a month or six weeks is still running on that early excitement feeling… do you think they’re a good match?
I’d like to believe that marriage was meant to involve love. My parent’s marriage does not and I hold on dearly to my belief that someday I will stumble upon a relationship that will be the opposite of my parents. This is probably why I haven’t quite settled down entirely yet; I don’t wan to settle and I refuse to entrap myself in a marriage that I did not have a choice in. I believe that love will come and go in a marriage but will oftentimes come back with greater strength than before if the two involved truly believe that what they overcame was a lesson and not a betrayal.
Perhaps deep down we look at the idea of marriage in hopes that our specific situation will be the exception to the statistics.
I should say both, more in society presses for instant and speed….. fast food, faster/quicker turn around and patient is not a beautiful thing anymore…..not necessary to hold your tongue to be polite/appropriate, not so much about sharing and giving either……it’s all about “me” more or less…..so hence, we are quick to make decision to get in/out and we vs. me or you…..but really hope at least, marriage or relationship wouldn’t interfere with it….that is why all marriage has to be bonded/grounded in God.
Right now, I don’t concern myself with that issue, because being either single or in a long term commitment can have the best of days and the worst of days. Nothing really outweighs the other since it’s all based on perception and personal issues.
I think you’ll know when it’s right. Just don’t over think or over feel the whole thing.