November 5, 2009
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I Question Church Marriages
I’m wondering what’s wrong with my generation. Has that much changed with the family structure from what my parents grew up with? I think so. Where our parents would’ve toughed it out, nowadays we take the shortcut, divorce first before completely trying reconciliation. So many of my friends and co-workers seem to want to provide everything their child needs materially (the phattest stroller, the coolest halloween outfit, a private school education) but then don’t know how to discipline and raise their child to be smart but humble. This is not so much a church thing, more of an in general thing.
As for church… Why do some of my friends, even married church friends look so unhappy? Maybe they are happy, but from the looks of things, it seems as if 1/3 of them have a partner that’s too selfish to compromise on the little things. This is really disturbing because I’m seeing marriages that look dysfunctional… not just any couples, these are my friends or acquaintances that are church leaders.
Usually in a marriage, one person seems to have more power and the other person is usually more of the helper. Rarely is it even and that’s acceptable because we each have our own strengths. But in a church, a pastor is supposed to lead and if it looks like he can’t even control his own wife (if we even have to use “control” to describe the situation, how bad is that?), how is everyone supposed to believe that he can lead a congregation?
In certain types of marriages, husbands and wives must be able to play the part. Think presidential. If Reagan’s or Obama’s wife didn’t look and act presidential, we wouldn’t think as highly of them. The same can be said for leaders in a church. I know this doesn’t apply to most of you since you’re not leading something in a church, but it’s just sad when I see that. Imagine that everytime you went to a company function, your CEO’s wife was getting smash wasted or all she did was talk about the newest jewels she got.
One wife I know doesn’t even attend the church that her husband pastors. Another pastor’s wife, blasts so much criticism that people can’t even tell that she has the love of God in her. This bugs me because I’m Christian. Something just ain’t right.
- What’s changed (good and bad) about the family structure over the years?
- If you’re employed in an industry where you will often be visible, how important is it for you to find a mate who will be able to “act the part” when next to you publicly? Or should that not matter?
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Comments (8)
Passby ~^^
I think:
1. People have more choices and are not willing to sacrifice.
2. not important…but if two people are compatible, the above type of things will not happen.
i think most, if not all, girls will say im crazy when i say i want a small wedding, with less than 10 people present (family included). i especially wont do one of those huge asian dinners that i’m expected to have….
my mother plays the role of the supportive wife to the pastor. through the years, ive witness how stressful it is, as she gets more attention then my father sometimes. people are always on the lookout for the people behind leader it seems. i guess if a leader cannot guide his own, how is he to lead an entire congregation right?
@corolla1209 - way to sum it up!
@queenofstyrofoamhearts - maybe we should get married in vegas… =)
@HushNowLuv - ”if a leader cannot guide his own, how is he to lead an entire congregation right” unfortunately perception is everything for some jobs. but when a girl marries a pastor, that’s sort of what she agrees to right? they have seminary school, but i’ve always joked that some people need to take a class on how to be a pastor’s wife. i wonder if they have professional seminars on how to be the wife of a Fortune 500 CEO.
howie, the sexual revolution/feminist movement of the 1960′s 1970′s changed the whole family structure in the United States. these sorts of movements are happening in europe and asia also. we have to go back to the biblical principals of how marriage is structured. the husband is the head of the family just as Christ is the head of the church. the wife is called to submit like Christ submits to God the Father. doesn’t mean wives are inferior, b/c Christ is not inferior to God the Father (Trintiy, three equals in one), it’s like an equal voluntarily and joyfully submitting to another equal. if we don’t get this right, we’re gonna have many more disastrous marriages. howie, i’m an ordained deacon and i’m very happily married because in our family structure, mari and i at least understand the biblical principals of family structure, and we at least try to follow those principals. we often mess up cuz we’re sinners, but our marriage is happy because we at least try. good blog though.
I believe you’re mostly exposed to Asian culture in American society. I believe Asian parents raise their daughters, in most cases, with expectations that they look for someone to take care of the daughter but to never submit or be obedient to their significant other. Not like a slave or anything but sacrifice and/or compromise. These women look for a guy with some form of prestige or financial security and manipulate the crap outta them! haha, perhaps i’m just jaded like that through my own experiences. But when it comes to pastors, I think to become a church leader you gotta have compassion and with that, its easy for them to reach compromises and sacrifices. I think the wife takes advantage of that… and its hard for them to be stern w/o looking like a biggot. Wife can always play the “you’re acting like an ass” card to him, but never vice-versa. I think feminism has given women too much power; it’s suppose to be about equality, yet they want to be pampered and be treated like princesses/queens. Stop using the female version of “affirmative action”!
@deok33 - yeah, i thought about the sexual revolution as a factor but didn’t mention it. since i didn’t want to get into too many topics. but that definitely affected things.
@JUMBOqt4U - i think there are both types in Asian culture… some tell their girls to marry smart and rich so they’ll be taken care of, others want their daughters to be a good homemaker, a good cook, so she won’t lose her man (who hopefully makes a good living).
to both of you, which i’m sure you’ll agree, there’s nothing wrong with women gaining independence and freedom. this has opened the door to them getting better education and jobs, but on the family structure side, it’s suffered. i believe most women and men are wired differently and some of that unexplained difference might just mean that women, even though feminists don’t want to believe it, might actually be better off being led at times. we can accept that women like being romanced, but now have a hard time accepting that maybe it’s better for women to sometimes let their men lead the family? i don’t see it as a sign of weakness (society might), i see it as recognizing what your physical and emotional make up is. like us men, no matter how much we might want to be nuturers in the family, there’s only so much we can do, because we’ll never have that feeding bond that the mom has/had w/ the children. that is obvious of course, but the women empowerment things that might not be the best for women are much less obvious. i guess my point is… all this stuff has contributed to our current state.